When URB magazine recently decided it needed to manufacture the next DJ Shadow in order to create a new media darling it could call its own, the GBs were on top of it. Inside you will find the discarded applications of various hip-hop notables, recovered from the recycling bins at URB’s offices.
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Armed with a team of lawyers and a ten-dollar Army cap, KRS gave a press conference on the steps of the United States Patent and Trademark Office, announcing a campaign for what he called the “reinsertification of hip-hop culture.” Waving a fistful of patent and trademark application forms, KRS-One informed members of the press and passing citizens, “I have here forms for one-hundred and thirty-three patents and thirty-three and a third trademarks that, rightfully, belong to hiphoppas.” When told that you cannot file one-third of a trademark application, one of KRS-One’s lawyers stepped in and said the actual number was one-hundred and thirty-three.
Among the inventions that KRS-One seeks to patent are the phonograph, electricity, carbon, science, mathematics, and the most confusing of all, “Manifestation.” (See diagram.) He also filed a series of trademark challenges, all seemingly aimed at Hollywood actor/director Mel Gibson, for words and phrases such as “Master Blaster,” “Christ,” and “Mel Gibson.” “These words are infringements on my intellectual properties, which are the properties of the Hip-Hop Nation.” explained KRS this morning.
KRS’ trademark assault spilled into the online marketplace, where the Teacher claims over 89 websites operate under domain names which infringe on his newly-registered trademarks, such as “amazon.com,” “k-mart.com,” and “starwars.com.”
“This is completely preposterous,” said Mervin Glass, head of public relations for the United States Patent and Trademark Office, who had a pasty pallor and blinked in the sunlight, “one simply cannot file trademarks or patents on things which are already trademarked or patented. And Mel Gibson? How can he trademark a proper noun, especially someone’s name? Just preposterous.” Glass then leaned over to an aide and muttered, “What year is it?”
This comes on the heels of a questionable cease and desist order KRS filed with the Lower Court in Manhattan against the city of Trenton, New Jersey, over the city’s motto, “Trenton Makes, the World Takes.” He seemed especially concerned that this motto is is emblazoned prominently on the side of the Trenton Bridge, which connect Pennsylvania with Trenton. When asked at this morning’s press conference why he filed this suit against Trenton, KRS replied coolly, “The bridge is over.”
KRS was a leading member of the revolutionary rap group Boogie Down Productions in the mid 1980s. He has become the somewhat estranged and self-proclaimed evangelist of hip-hop culture, a role which began after his appearance in Keenan Ivory Wayans’ I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, claim friends and close sources.
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The latest blow in the Demigodz / Weathermen indie rap beef wars is a strange one: Not to be outdone, 7L & Esoteric have broken silence with an ad of their own in response to El-P’s sellout sponsorship to Scottish ale maker, Orkney earlier this week.
“I mean, El-P did his beer, so we were like, fuck it,” said Esoteric, who was wearing a full Prada tracksuit and a Burberry pillbox hat at the time of questioning.
The Boston hip-hop duo have signed on with Sony to become the media giant’s official spokespeople for the company’s brand of MiniDV tape. The terms of the agreement are for a period lasting either 7 months or 7,700 ads, whichever comes first. Speculation amongst industry insiders believe this may be the beginning of an alarming trend in underground rap, as artists seek other venues to financially support their failing independent label ventures.
“Even though it’s not Polo, we could still fuckin’ fuck with [Sony].” says 7L. When asked if this meant he would be giving up rapping, Eso replied, “Well, I’ll still rap, but I might give up trying to sell records.”
An advance of the ad, sent exclusively to Gossiping Bitches, shows 7L & Esoteric posing as juvenile mischief high school ruffians. The ad touts the benefits of Sony brand MiniDV tape over the competition’s, by guaranteeing no digital “dropouts” during data transfers, juxtaposed with the aforementioned image of the wayward hiphoppers.
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As the remix craze scales ever more ridiculous heights, we now hear that Sole’s abandoning his plans to remix Weezer’s Blue album using only samples from Weezer’s Green album, and instead concentrate on “The Antichronic (The Day The Crackers Took Over)”, something he described this weekend as “a re-imagining” of Dre’s 1992 classic, and “my most adventurous project yet”. He’s ditching Andre’s signature g-funk and substituting samples from the Anticon catalog, adding a few thousand extra syllables here and there to the lyrics as well. Thus, “Ain’t Nuthin’ But A G-Thang” becomes “This is Nothing But An SAT Word Thing”, “High Powered” becomes “High Minded”, and “Little Ghetto Boy” is retitled “Burb Servin’”.
When asked why he felt compelled to jump on the remix bandwagon by taking such liberties with an acknowledged classic like “The Chronic”, Sole replied testily; “This isn’t just another remix album. It’s like a director’s cut, only with a different director, different footage, actors, script. Or maybe a re-imagining, suggesting the kind of direction Dre could, or maybe should have gone in. If he’s serious about the advancement of hip-hop (see: “Dre Claims ‘Advanced Album’; Anticon Goes to Court”), he should have done so from the jump, and I’m here to let him know where he went wrong. He’s gonna scrap “Detox” and go straight back to the lab when he hears this.”
Dre’s production partner, Scott Storch, when finally reached for comment, said, “Who are you and how did you get into my bedroom?”
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