Those familiar with the print interviews and television appearances of Wu-tang Clan’s RZA in recent years have noticed his penchant for punctuating his comments with the catchphrase “bong-bong!” Usually the peculiar phrase is met with indifference by the interviewer, without a plea for explanation. RZA says that is just the problem.

“Son yo, I been trying to get bong-bong off the ground for mad long, nahmean,” the producer/ rapper/ mathematician complained. “It just hasn’t caught on with the seeds yet, and I’m not sure why. Wu-Wear got the silkscreens and everything lined up. Bong-bong t-shirts, bong-bong coffee mugs, bong-bong bongs — we got it sewn, know I’m sayin. Like bong-bong.”

Just how hip-hop slang catches on with mainstream America is a delicate process, dependent on varying factors. For every “bling bling” that makes it to the dictionary, there are scores of “no diggety”’s that never go beyond a few months of relevance. It invariably starts with a popular rap song, but sometimes takes more effort on the part of the artist to raise awareness of the slang in order to get it into the lexicon. For example, it is because of Ja Rule’s incessant efforts on behalf of “holla” in the late 90’s that Gwen Stefani and her white pre-teen fanbase can today pretend to be from the ghetto.

Of course, a hip-hop catchphrase cannot truly be deemed entrenched in the modern vocabulary until your mom starts using it 5 years after you and your friends have stopped. Thanks to movie trailers, Access Hollywood, and Michael Eric Dyson, she has been able to keep up with all the latest slang — long after its popular use has passed. “I was chilling with my peeps at the supermarket the other day when I had to bounce to the ATM to get some cheddar,” recalled your mom. “As the lucci was coming out, I asked Pam if she was going to the book reading later and she said, ‘Fo’ shizzle!’ I thought that was so funny! Apparently that’s what Snoop Doggy Dogg says all the time. I like him much more now than when he was doing all that gangsta rap. So anyway, that was how that happened. It was nice talking to you. You’re a nice young man. Pretty cute too. What do you say we go back to my Explorer and knock the boots?”

Fo’ shizzle.

As for RZA, while he remains unwilling to give up on his catchphrase, he suspects the reason bong-bong hasn’t caught on yet has to do with how broadly he uses it. “It’s like bong-bong,” he said, “people don’t seem to understand when it’s appropriate to say it because I say it all the time, bong-bong. But I’m gonna narrow it down to certain situations, like when I found out I got a part in the next Wes Anderson movie. Bong-bong! After all, it was Lao Tzu who once said, ‘To use the same word too often is to create chaos where there was none before.’ Actually, I may have gotten that from a comic book.”

When reached for comment, E-40 wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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Last month, Starbucks, the notorious Seattle-based caffeine cartel, announced the establishment of their latest stronghold in the rough and tumble neighborhood of Compton, California. Compton, widely credited as the birthplace of The Gangsta Rap and considered one of the most dangerous cities in America (I see you East St. Louis), is a far cry from the trendy neighborhoods and quaint suburban enclaves where one would normally find the upscale coffee shop. “It’s really quite simple,” says Starbucks spokesperson Steve Niles. “A fiend, is a fiend, is a fiend. And if there’s one thing there’s no shortage of in Compton, it’s fiends.”

Niles is referring to the widespread proliferation of drug addicts throughout the city, something he feels will be a key to the franchise’s success. “Listen, in one way or another we’re all dealers,” explains Niles. “I don’t care if it’s cocaine or cappuccino, it’s all about getting that repeat customer. Our market research clearly shows these people already have exhibited those addictive tendencies, so why wouldn’t we go after them? You’re gonna tell me a Caramel Macchiato is worse for you than crack? If we can wean them off the illegal narcotics and onto the legal narcotics, I say that’s a win-win. Sure, it may end up costing them a little more out of pocket but at the end of the day, I like to think we’re making a difference. Money, and a difference.”

Not everyone is pleased with the grand opening, though, especially long-time area drug dealers. “We been out here grindin’ fo’ years an’ these fools finna come up in here and move in on our turf?” says longtime dealer Loc E Loc. “Aw, hell naw.” But Niles says Starbucks has been planning this move for quite some time and is ready if anything pops off. “Well, this isn’t your average Starbucks,” he warns. “There’s cameras everywhere and the baristas are behind bullett-proof glass, but it’s not about keeping the dealers out - if anything we’ve made it as attractive to them to come inside as possible.”

Niles was quick to point out the “little things” Starbucks has done to not only attract the gangsta element but make them feel right at home: “Instead of having a ‘Drive-Thru’ this shop has a ‘Drive-By’, um…we’re giving out logo bandanas, I mean we even got these little foam guns made up that say ‘Get Your Shots at Starkbucks’…they’re really cute. The only killing we expect is some good old-fashioned killing with kindness. By us. To them.”

Other iniatives are planned to further cement their place in the community, most noticeably partnering with local musicians for exclusive in-store content, something the chain has had success with in the past. “As with all our stores, music will play a big part,” says Niles. “Our first exclusive release will be a full length Snoop Dogg album slated for early 2006. Snoop was more than happy to sign on for this - in fact, he’s the one that contacted us, which was a first…but the point is that when people ask ‘Hey, where can I get that new Gangsta Nip?’ we want the answer to be ‘Starbucks, fool.’”

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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Rawkus Records is officially back in business, but those expecting a return to the underground sounds that made them famous may be in for a bit of a surprise. The newly reactivated label today issued a press release stating that all operations will be moved from their original New York City headquarters to Memphis, Tennessee, an obvious attempt to capitalize on the resurgent Southern scene which has dominated the hip-hop landscape over the past few years.

Rawkus, the once dominant label in the late 90’s independent hip-hop boom, rose to prominence with a string of hit singles by the likes of Mos Def and some other people. The company would later try to parlay this success into mainstream money by paying popular artists to mail-in appearances on their records as well as convince their existing roster to take a more radio-friendly route. The plan failed miserably and Rawkus shut its doors in 2004, a move which many feel signaled the end of The Backpack Era of rap. “Since the day we closed, we’ve always planned to re-launch the label,” says cofounder Jarret Meyer, “but we realized that we had to grow with our audience. All these college kids that were diehard backpackers in the late 90’s have hopped on the Crunk bandwagon now. It just makes sense that we still target the same market that we had success with before.”

Many question whether Rawkus will be able to recapture their fan base of old while appealing to todays youth. Dartmouth Senior Sean Flanagan, for one, isn’t impressed: “Rawkus? Yeah, I heard of them. I think my older brother used to have a t-shirt or something like that. He used to always crack on the Juvenile CD I had in middle school, and always call me a ‘new jack’ or something like that. Now he won’t shut off that stupid Mike Jones song and keeps trying to tell me what’s ‘poppin in the clubs’ and whatever. It’s retarded.” When asked whether he’d be interested in the new and improved Rawkus he added, “Probably not — I mean, it’s not even really music. I pretty much got over that stuff once I discovered The Beatles.”

One hip-hop journalist, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being “promotionally blacklisted”, thinks the Rawkus relocation is a smart move: “Oh, it makes a lot of sense but it does smack of trying to jump on what’s ‘hot’ at the moment. Doesn’t mean it won’t work, though. Usually these types of rash moves by labels do tend to be a bit short-sighted so we’ll have to wait and see the long-term impact. But then again, who knows how much longer these kids will even be into the Southern sound to begin with.” He further clarified, “But, I mean, some of us have been down since day one. Ya know, K-Otix, Mass Influence…I’ve been reppin’ the Dirty Dirty for quite some time now.”

The label’s planned first release will be the fourth installment in their once popular Soundbombing mix series titled Soundbombing 4: Crunk’d and will be hosted by Ashton Kutcher. The album will come accompanied with a chopped and screwed version of the mix and will be priced at $6.99 for the double CD.

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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Brooklyn, New York - Six-hundred freight loads of concrete. Ten million forged bricks. Two-thousand miles of steel reinforcement. Five-hundred thousand laborers. This is only a partial list of the materials required to construct a gigantic monument to slain rapper Christopher “Biggie” Wallace, which has been going on in Brooklyn for the better part of six years. According to foreman “Duke” Allister, the hard work will all be over and the monument open to the public by December. “It’s been a lotta work,” sighed Allister. He’s been living at the site for the past six years, giving orders, checking incoming shipments, and generally making sure that everything runs as smoothly as possible. “Honestly, there was a lotta days I wanted to throw in the towel. I lost sixteen men in one day, just trying to get the giant alligator skin shoe in place. But when you do [the] God’s work, you find the extra strength you need.”

Much of this extra strength came from some five-hundred thousand laborers, many of whom unwittingly signed themselves into indentured servitude by joining the Temple of HipHop Kulture, a social club devoted to rap music. One laborer, who refused to be named, said, “I signed up and paid my membership dues and figured I would get a signed picture of [rapper] KRS-One or something. If I had known I would be abducted in the middle of the night to work on this shit, I would have just paid the Zulu Nation membership fee.” Another exhausted laborer that also requested anonymity remarked, “this ain’t flossin.”

It ain’t, indeed. New York mayors Rudolph Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg have asked for injunctions against this structure incessantly throughout their respective administrations, with the backup of New York governor George Pataki. However, since the Temple of HipHop Kulture is recognized as a religious organization in the state of New York, the commissioned statue is considered outside of New York’s legal jurisdiction. “We paid our permits, we bought the land,” exclaimed Temple of HipHop Kulture Archdeacon Pious Diddy, speaking from his oak-paneled and gold-trimmed office and pounding animatedly on his pure ivory writing desk, “and damn it, we’re going to finish this monument to the Greatest Rapper Ever! It’s for the people. The people want it, y’all. Watch me on Making the Band 3.”

Perhaps more pressing than the pertinent real estate issues are the labor complaints. Tales of dehydration, beatings, and death have surfaced from behind the plywood walls surrounding the Biggie monument, and legal counsel Jeffrey Hattleboro has filed several injunctions against the structure, which are all due for review by a local judge on Friday. “What’s going on [at that site] is nothing more than common slavery,” expressed Mr. Hattleboro at a press conference outside the monument, “people are being beaten, whipped, and treated like garbage, and religious edifice or not, we’re putting a stop to it!”

Diddy also had this cryptic comment on the situation: “If I require a warm slice of cheesecake from Junior’s, and I get a cold slice of cheesecake from Junior’s, do I not have that which I required? And therefore do I not have the option to discipline my employee? Now I ask you, should that which has not been done properly be responded to improperly, or would it be a more prudent and proper response to respond properly? Obviously, this is the case.”

KRS-One, founder of the Temple of HipHop Kulture, was reached for comment, but no one could decipher any of his commentary.

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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Lackluster would be a kind way to describe the reception of the much hyped Tony Yayo debut, Thoughts of a Predicate Felon, newly released on Interscope. This hasn’t gone unnoticed by his crew, G-Unit, as its members have already made efforts to cut their losses. Yet advisers maintain that Yayo still offers some value to the collective, especially its most well known member, 50 Cent.

“Frankly, he’s worth more to 50 in jail than out,” said Samuel Weinstein, accountant to 50 Cent, and money manager to all of G-Unit. “Believe me, I’ve went over the numbers very carefully and my friends at Interscope agree. The cost of promoting this guy everywhere is just not going to get recouped. It would seem that fans liked him better when they couldn’t hear him rap. I mean, those ‘Free Yayo’ shirts sold like hot … um … hot … well … you know, some sort of foodstuff that sells a lot in a short amount of time.”

Indeed, an informal poll conducted by Gossiping Bitches shows a startling contrast: a 20% approval rating of Tony Yayo as rapper, but a 65% approval rating of Tony Yayo as mysterious, abstract, Eminem-supported, 50 Cent-approved, imprisoned martyr of an undetermined yet profound cause.

Recognizing this, the members of G-Unit have already devised a series of wacky schemes to get Yayo to violate his parole. Olivia has offered to fix Yayo up with her 14 year old “Freshman at NYU” sister; Lloyd Banks has repeatedly made Yayo hold on to packages of unknown contents “for a couple weeks”; Young Buck solicited Yayo to play the triggerman in an assassination plot at the MTV Video Music Awards targeting Fat Joe, or the Game, or Nas, “or whoever, y’know, fuck it! Get ‘em right there on the red carpet!”; and when asked by Yayo for his jewelry allowance money, 50 Cent suggested that he “go rob Jacob.”

Reached for comment at a video shoot — shirtless and well-oiled — 50 said, “N****s already calling him some ‘Bleek.’ It’s embarrassing. So we gonna do what we have to do. It ain’t me talking. It’s Generally Accepted Accounting Principles and s**t!”

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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