The nation is still reacting to the shocking comments of actor/comedian Michael Richards at a Los Angeles comedy club last weekend. All talk of never-ending foreign wars and crippling economic inequality at home has been put aside, as Richards’ racist taunts have become Issue #1 on the national agenda, closely followed by Heisman Trophy winner O.J. Simpson’s equally shocking desire to make money.

White people have publicly gasped at Richards’ brazen use of the “n-word,” yet privately lamented their inability to say nigga at will. Cable news show hosts are balancing their outrage over the comedian with their outrage that O.J. didn’t come to them first. Gloria Allred has shown no change from her perpetual state of outragedness. Hip-hop blogs and message boards are in full agreement that this is the Face of Racism and we should all shun it with as much force as our keyboards can sustain.

The reaction of those in the real life hip-hop community has been similar. Thug rappers have taken a break from selling drugs and killing people to share their thoughts on the incident with GB.

“It’s shameful,” said Pusha T of Clipse, who wanted us to report that this would be his last actual phone conversation before he switched to Verizon Telepathone. “I got an upcoming mixtape appearance where I compare his decline to that of a slinger. It’ll be out soon, so go out and get it as a stocking stuffer. Hey, ’stocking stuffer,’ that’s a funny word! I wonder if I can somehow make that into a pun for criminal activity…”

The Ying Yang Twins stopped bugging out long enough to offer this: “It’s too much ugliness and negative things out there, you know,” the one who dyes his facial hair said. “Yeah, a lot of ignorance in this world,” the one who makes that annoying noise all the time agreed.

Our offices received one call from someone we can only assume was a member of G-Unit because he was mumbling incoherently. This was confirmed that evening when we received this voicemail:

“Yo, this is P, know I’m saying. M-O-B-B, know I’m saying. I’m now the motherfuckin designated interpreter for the Unit. Moving up in the organization! Well, regardless, they want me to tell you that there’s no place for that sort of bigotry in a civilized society and shit. You get a nigga coming ’round our way talking that nigga-nigga stuff, know I’m saying, a nigga get dropped then and there, no further discussions.”

California’s the Game doubted Richards’ relevance, noting, “His whole career was based on riding the coattails of other dudes. How can you even take him serious? Anyway, you think my N.W.A. tattoo needs a touchup?”

When reached for comment, Stanley Crouch said he completely agreed with the point of this piece, which frankly made us rethink the whole thing. If John McWhorter approves too, we’ll go ahead and delete it.

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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Gossiping Bitches proudly offers (former?) Village Voice/Pitchfork writer Nick Sylvester the position of associate editor. Not to say we need any new talent or anything; you’ll have to compete with several of the brightest writers on the web for precious space on a dynamic, constantly updating website. But the fact can’t be denied: we like your style. Sure, some naysayers may say nay at the propriety of a journalist blurring the line between lie and Big Lie, but this line is what the GBs are all about. We live on that line. We’ve snorted that line with several celebrities, in fact (check the archives). The fabricators among us must stick together in a media environment so intolerant of the type of entertaining half-truths and noble untruths GB publishes daily (okay, semiannually). And that’s word to our overseas correspondent Jayson Blair (currently on assignment in Islamastangeria).

So, Mr. Sylvester, holla back. Our pay is competitive (assuming you were being paid nothing, that is — which we understand was likely the case at Pitchfork), our lies fantastical, our identities untraceable (all defamation lawsuits against us name GB editors Germ Alms and Mike Ock as defendants and are served on a dry cleaner in Norman, Oklahoma). We offer everything that the rest of this cold, unforgiving media world does not and stand up for the principles of free untruthful speech (what we refer to as the 1st and a half Amendment). We await your response.

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted — one moment — would you capture it or just let it slip? Well, thanks to Hollywood, you’ll find out the answer to this question over and over again in the coming years.

In the first films about people trying to make it in hip-hop, the protagonists were either black (Krush Groove, Beat Street) or of indeterminate race (Wild Style). Jump cut to 2002 with the release of 8 Mile, the semi-autobiographical star vehicle for Eminem. The movie marked a sea change for the “hip-hoppers-on-a-comeup” genre by featuring a main character who every White child could look up to and say, “Why not me too?”

Why not you, Matt? Because you have no talent, that’s why. Nevermind that though — the movie was a money-maker for its studio, which of course meant that the rest of the industry had to then find a dozen ways to retell the same story until it was bled dry. The first release (of many to follow) was Bomb the System, the 8 Mile of graffiti. It told the comforting (if unnecessarily confusing) story of a White graffiti writer who overcomes difficult familial circumstances to gain universal acceptance amongst all races for his superior ability. Sound familiar?

Well, if you’re too stupid to say, “Yeah I know, it sucks,” you will soon feel the lukewarm wave of familiarity every time you look in the Arts section of your local paper, because a slew of other 8 Mile knockoffs are coming to a theater near you. One studio in particular, Lighthole, has several “8 Mile of … ” films in the works.

“We think we’ve found a niche in the market here,” said Herman Steinemanowitz, chairman of Lighthole and executive producer of all the projects. “Name a facet of hip-hop, and we’ve ‘got it sewn,’ as the kids say. [chuckles] We’ve got the 8 Mile of everything coming. The 8 Mile of break dancing, the 8 Mile of beatboxing, the 8 Mile of crack cooking (for all the new hip-hop fans out there), the 8 Mile of video ho’ing, etcetera, etcetera. Even an 8 Mile of black nationalism, where a couple of suburban kids dress up in Che Guevara shirts and stuff, and rap like X-Clan or Dead Prez. We were gonna do an 8 Mile of DJ’ing, but thought that it would be redundant.”

Aside from profits, the motivation to produce the films is clear to Steinemanowitz: “I’m not doing this for the money. I’m doing it for that young buck out there who dreams of making it in a world that is so foreign to his own. We’re going to keep making these movies on different aspects of hip-hop until all White people feel completely accepted doing everything. That’s our goal. Etcetera, etcetera.”

When reached for comment, Eminem said, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I have a daughter named Hailey.”

-- a Gossiping Bitch

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“Yeah, I may be coming back and whatever. I’m having sex with Beyonce. Def Jam doing alright. Young Jeezy moving units. Drug raps! Who would have thought it? But what I’m really most excited about right now is that I got an order for Shiny Object #7. I’m supposed to be one of the first ones in the world getting it. I think it’s like some prince in the Middle East and then me. This thing is gonna change the hip-hop game. Either you got it, or your career is over. Y’know?!”

It started with a comment from Jay-Z in the September issue of GQ. Jigga may be momentarily retired from the game, but his influence remains strong in the hip-hop community, as seen by the subsequent firestorm his remarks caused. Thug rappers everywhere rushed to their local jewelers to obtain this Shiny Object #7 without quite knowing what it was. They all left disappointed however, as there is still a cloud of mystery surrounding the unreleased Shiny Object #7, and few have any idea of what it is or how to get it.

Enter Gossiping Bitches, who was contacted last week by Cartier at our European Bureau. The jeweler confirmed that it was developing Shiny Object #7 and that Jay-Z will in fact receive one of the first ones made, but revealed little else.

(Continued…)

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Gossiping Bitches proudly announces our joint cash gettin’ venture with Nokia, as part of their “It’s Your Life in There” ad campaign. Below, you will find various figures discussing one of the great joys of cell phone use: deleting the numbers of motherfuckers you don’t like anymore.

So, like, when I’m breaking up with somebody, the last thing I do is delete him from my cell phone. It is so great, because when you go to the phone and you delete it, and your phone asks, “Are you sure?” you look at your phone and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m sure.” [laughs uncontrollably] He wasn’t in my phone anymore. [maniacal laughter] I don’t even know who he is! David who? [deranged chortling] It’s almost like I never knew him at all. [primal howling] Or maybe he never existed in the first place? [clutching bedsheets, spitting] Perhaps he was just another delusion, like how I convinced myself that I live in an apartment when I’m really at a mental institution, committed here after I tortured the housepets of the children I was babysitting and made them watch. [wild flailing of limbs, nosebleed] And did I really have a cell phone in the first place, or was I speaking into an alarm clock all this time? But that couldn’t be true if it were answering back, could it? I was clearly instructed by the voice to trap the wandering headspell in the wave of my spherical apparatus until it was time to unleash on the Neuro Usurpers, because this is MY TIME, right now, and they won’t win, or we’ll all go together, I promise, because the FUCKING FASCIST PIGS ARE TRYING TO TAKE WHAT’S LEFT OF OUR BRAINS … [banging head against dresser, restrained and sedated by staff doctors]

So, anyway, yeah that’s what I love about my phone! [chuckles]

(Continued…)

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